My Collection of One-Line Quotes

**Mourya** · #1 01-28-2009, 12:15 PM

Alcohol
# While you live, Drink! - for, once dead, you never shall return.
# Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
# Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.
# 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case; coincidence?...
# Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time - Catherine Zandonella
# Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
# I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
# What contemptible scoundrel has solen the cork to my lunch? - W. C. Fields
# If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomaches - David Daye
# Work is the curse of the drinking classes - Oscar Wilde
#
Life is a waste of time
time is a waste of life
so get wasted all of the time
and have the time of your life
# "I'd prefer to have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy." - Jack Nicholson
# Life is too short to drink cheap beer.
# One more drink and I'd be under the host - Dorothy Parker
# The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind - Humphrey Bogart
# Adhere to Schweinheitsgebot. Don't put anything in your beer that a pig wouldn't eat - David Geary
# Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine - David Moulton
# A drink a day keeps the shrink away - Edward Abbey
# People who drink light beer don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot - Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI
# I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without drinking.
# An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you.
# University is a fountain of Knowledge... and the students are there to drink.
# Sure, drinking kills brain cells, but only the weak ones.
# Never accept a drink from a urologist.
# Don't drink and park; accidents cause people.
# "I have taken more good from alcohol than alcohol has taken from me." - Winston Churchill
# "One martini is alright, two is too many, three is not enough." - James Thurber, American humorist (1894-1961)
# "Young men are apt to think themselves wise enough, as drunken men are to think themselves sober enough." - Earl of Chesterfield
# "Wine is as good as life to a man, if he drink moderately; what life is then to a man without wine? For it was made to make men glad" - Ecclesiasticus Ch 17
# "What pleases men most is old wine and young women" - Herodotus, Histories
# "Quickly, bring me a beaker of wine, so that I may wet my mind and say something clever" - Aristophanes: Knights
# "No verse can give pleasure for long, not last, that is written by drinkers of water" - Horace
# "He is not drunk, who from the floor, can rise and stand and shout for more" - Ogden Nash
# "You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on" - Dean Martin (in NBC interview)
# Water for oxen, wine for men - Spanish proverb
# There's no wine in heaven, let's drink it here on earth. - French proverb
# Nothing equals the joy of the drinker, except the joy of the wine being drunk - Old Bulgarian proverb
# Good wine praises itself - Arab proverb
# Only the first bottle is expensive - French proverb
# Drink a glass of wine after your soup and you steal a rouble from the doctor - Russian proverb
Computers
# A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation
# Any given program costs more and takes longer each time it is run.
# If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
# If a program is useful, it will have to be documented.
# Any given program will expand to fill all the available memory.
# Computing power increases as the square of cost.
# Variables won't; constants aren't.
# Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
# There's always one more bug.
# It works better if you plug it in.
# Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
# Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
# If it looks tough, it's damn near impossible.
# Adding manpower to late software makes it later.
# Whatever you did, that's what you planned.
# Our computer has never had an undetected error.
# Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
# Want to make your computer go really fast? Throw it out the window.
# To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
# Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.
# The Net interprets censorship as damage and routes around it.
# EMAIL - when it absolutely positively has to get lost at the speed of light.
# A Big Mac, french fries and a large Coke!
# A Macintosh a day keeps Apple Happy and Rich!
# A supercomputer is a machine, that runs an endless loop in just 2 seconds.
# Any given program will expand to fill available memory.
# ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI.
# "Bother," said Pooh, as he deleted UNIX from his machine.
# Compassion -- that's the one thing no machine ever had.
# Complexity of a Mac user:- The number of buttons on the mouse.
# Computers aren't intelligent, they only think they are.
# Data convinces the Coke machine that Pepsi is better.
# Data convinces the Pepsi machine that Coke is better!
# EMACS: "Eight Megs And Constantly Swapping"
# Go not to the machines for counsel, for they will say both 0 and 1.
# God is real, unless declared integer.
# God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.
# How can you respect a machine controlled by a mouse?
# IBM: Its Better Manually
# IBM: Its Being Mended
# IBM: Intercourse Beats Masturbation
# IBM: Intimidation By Marketing
# IBM: Ishoulda Boughta Mac
# IBM: It's Broken Man
# IBM: Inferiorly Built Machine
# IBM: I befriended Microsoft (remember 1980?)
# IBM: I'd Buy Macintosh
# IBM: I Blame Microsoft
# IBM: Institute of Black Magicians
# IBM: In Being Mended
# I didn't write this; a very complex macro did.
# I want my data back, machine, and I want it now!
# If a train station is where the train stops, what's a work station?
# Intel: Putting the "backward" in "backward compatible".
# Its only a macro, only a macro, only a macro...
# Just a 2 bit programmer on a 32 bit machine.
# Let the machine do the dirty work (Elements of Programming Style).
# Macintosh: Machine Always Crashes If Not OS Hangs
# Macintosh error message: "Like, dude, something went wrong."
# Macintosh, adj. The excuse for not wanting to learn computing.
# Macintosh: The etch-a-sketch you don't have to shake to clear the screen!
# Macintosh: Computer With Training Wheels You Can't Remove
# Machine language programmers do it very fast.
# Machine-independent: Does not run on any existing machine.
# Modem - Monumentally Overpriced Data Eating Machine
# Newton: A pocket-sized Machine That Goes Ping!
# Real programs don't eat cache.
# The nice thing about standards is, there are so many to choose from.
# The only good Mac is a big Mac!
# Unix: When you can't afford the very best.
# "What a depressingly stupid machine," said Marvin and trudged away.
# Windows 3 - the MAC for the rest of us!
# Fast, fat computers breed slow, lazy programmers.
# Programming just with goto's is like swatting flies with a sledgehammer.
# There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one works.
# A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in God.
# Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.
# To understand recursion one must first understand recursion.
# Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are!
# Windows: Just another pain in the glass!
# Who's General Failure, and why is he reading my disk?
# Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
# It is impossible to make anything foolproof, because fools are so ingenious.
# Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
# All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
# Managing programmers is like herding cats.
# Never let a computer know you're in a hurry.
# Beware the information super-cliche!!
# It's a FLAW, dammit, not a bug!
# Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers.
# Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
# Go not to Usenet for counsel, for it will say both no, and yes, and no, and yes, ...
# Program: the conversion of input into error messages.
# Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced.
# Artificial Intelligence is the study of how to make real computers act like the ones in movies.
# Calm down - it's only ones and zeros!
# Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue.
# You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof.
# Do witches run spell checkers?
# My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
# BREAKFAST.COM Halted - Cereal port not responding.
# Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
# Error reading FAT record; try the SKINNY one (Y/N)?
# Read my chips; no new upgrades!
# Hit any user to continue.
# If hardwear overheats, does it turn into software?
# He's dead Jim. You get the tricorder, I'll get his wallet.
# Enter any 12-digit prime number to continue.
# Error reading FAT Table. Try Skinny one? (Y/N).
# Error: General Protection Fault. Condom not installed.
# Is OS/2 only half an operating system?
# Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
# A computer scientist is someone who fixes things which aren't broken.
# Air-conditioned environment - do NOT open Windows.
# All computers wait at the same speed.
# All you need to know is the user interface.
# A paperless office has about as much chance as a paperless bathroom.
# A program is never finished until the programmer dies.
# A user-friendly computer first requires a friendly user.
# Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat [Y/N]?
# Disclaimer: Any errors in spelling, tact or fact are transmission errors.
# Every time I type win I lose!
# How an engineer writes a program: start by debugging an empty file.
# If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0
# To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
# User error: replace user and press any key to continue.
# What boots up must come down.
# "`Automatic' simply means that you can't repair it yourself." - Mary H. Waldrip
# "An expert is someone who knows some of the worst mistakes that can be made in his subject and how to avoid them." - Werner Heisenberg
# "Any smoothly functioning technology will have the appearance of magic." - Arthur C. Clarke
# "I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them." - Isaac Asamov.
# "It is impossible to make anything foolproof, because fools are so ingenious" - anonymous
# "Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal." - Albert Einstein
# "The Americans have need of the telephone, but we do not. We have plenty of messenger boys." - Sir William Preece, chief engineer of the British Post Office, 1876
# "The fault lies not with our technologies but with our systems." - Roger Levian
# "To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer." - anonymous
# "When I was a kid, my parents told me what to do. When I went to school, my teachers told me what to do. Now I'm married, and my husband tells me what to do. I'm not going to use a computer and let it tell me what to do." - Anonymous
# "When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro." - Hunter S. Thompson, American journalist.
# "You simply cannot understand psychedelic drugs, which activate the brain, unless you understand something about computers." - Timothy Leary
# "If Bill Gates is worth $30 billion then a good haircut must cost $31 billion" - Dennis Miller
# Keyboard: Device used to enter errors into the computer
# "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
# "DesqView!" ... Gesundheit.
# "Me hav'em heap trouble." - Tonto the programmer
# 11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
# 2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!
# A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord.
# A fatal error has been detected. Call mortician (Y/N) ...... hello?
# A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
# A Scotty error has occurred an' Ah kent chenge the laws o' physics!
# Access denied: nah nah na nah nah!
# All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
# An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
# As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
# ATTORNEY.LAW found...(A)bort (R)etain (S)ue
# Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
# Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay!
# BASEBALL.BAT found, executing STRIKE.ONE
# BEER.CAN found ... User loaded
# BENJI.COM found...%&#&!
# $ Lost terrier
# Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression
# Breaking Windows isn't just for kids anymore....
# BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
# Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
# C code. C code run. Run, code, run ... PLEASE!
# C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
# C:\ Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
# C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
# C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
# Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
# Chernobyl used Windows to monitor their reactors.
# COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
# COFFEE.MUG missing, user halted
# Computer hackers do it all night long.
# Computer modelers simulate it first.
# Computer programmers don't byte, they just nybble a bit.
# Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.
# CONFIG.SYS complete. CONFIG.BRO? (Y/N)
# CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?
# Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
# Definition: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.
# Did anyone see my lost carrier?
# Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
# Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.
# Does fuzzy logic tickle?
# DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
# E Pluribus Modem
# E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
# Error - BEER.CAN contains a null value. User not loaded
# Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
# Eunuchs, the non-gender-specific OS
# Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
# Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.
# File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
# Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!
# How do I set my Laser printer to "Stun"?
# I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!
# I/O, I/O, it's off to work we go...
# ID10T error at keyboard; replace user, strike any key when complete
# Keep the CPU virgin, do not remove HIMEM.SYS
# KLANS.MAN found, unable to open MIND
# Klingon error: Strike any other user to continue.
# LIFE.EXE found...download now? (Y/N)
# Mary had a little RAM- about a MEG or so.
# Modem is not responding... Send APB for serial killer (Y/N)
# Mouse found, place in maze (Y/N)
# MOUTH Opened...Insert FOOT? (Y/N)
# Not tonight dear.... I have a modem.
# Old McDonald had a computer, with EIA I/O.
# One if by LAN, 2 if by C, 3 if by ERR.
# Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
# Press < CTRL-ALT-DEL > to continue...
# Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
# Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
# Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
# PTOMAINE found (A)bort (R)egurgitate (P)uke
# RAM disk is not an installation procedure.
# REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N/Q)
# Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
# SENILE.COM found... Out Of Memory...
# Shell to DOS... Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
# SHOT.GUN found...Programmer executed
# Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...
# Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
# Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?_~"
# Read my chips: No new upgrades!
# Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?
# Multitasking - screwing up several things at once.
# Backups? We don' NEED no steenking backups.
# Backup not found: (A)bort, (R)etry, (T)hrowup
# (A)bort, (R)etry, (P)anic
# (A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?
# (A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?
# If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.
# Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.
# Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects
# Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand."
# SQWERTY - Computer keyboard sized down for use by children.
# System error. Press F0 to continue.
# SYSTEM GOING DOWN AT 4:45 THIS AFTERNOON FOR DISK CRASHING.
# Taco Bell Laboratories: where UNIX programmers eat out.
# The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.
# The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
# The name is Baud... James Baud.
# This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
# This virus requires Microsoft Windows 3.11
# This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play anothergame?
# To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."
# To return to the Home screen, close your eyes and press escape three times.
# Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
# Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...
# Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
# Why would somebody named Gates call his product Windows?
# Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
# Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
# WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
# Your web search has returned one VERY LARGE spider. Execute QUICK.RUN? (Y/N)
# SCSI: System Can't See It
# WWW: World Wide Wait
# There are 10 types of people in the world, those that understand binary and those that don't
Deceit
# A man always has two reasons for what he does - a good one and the real one.
# Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.
# Corruption wins not more than honesty.
# Let your own discretion be your tutor.
# Disinformation not as good as datinformation.
(Over)Enthusiasm
# Life is like riding a bicycle. You don't fall off unless you stop peddling.
# We know what we are, but know not what we may be.
# The stone that is rolling can gather no moss.
# Better a day of strife than a century of sleep.
# Strike when the iron is hot.
# Happiness is not a goal; it is a by-product.
# No-one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
# You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it.
# It's easier to resist at the beginning than at the end.
# He who has health has hope; and he who has hope has everything.
# A goal is a dream with a deadline.
# You are making progress if each mistake is a new one.
# "A great teacher never strives to explain his vision. He simply invites you to stand beside him and see for yourself." - Reverend R. Inman
# "A hunch is creativity trying to tell you something." - Frank Capra
# "A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval." - Mark Twain
# "Advice is like kissing. It costs nothing and is a pleasant thing to do." - H. W. Shaw
# "All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure." - Mark Twain
# "Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest." - Mark Twain
# "An artist never really finishes his work, he merely abandons it." - Paul Valéry
# "As you ramble on through life, brother, whatever be your goal: keep you eyes upon the doughnut, and not upon the hole!" - Frederick Philip Wertheimer, marketing director for the Doughnut Machine Corporation (1927)
# "Be an optimist--at least until they start moving animals in pairs to Cape Kennedy" - Current Comedy
# "Be happy. It is a way of being wise." - Colette
# "Beauty is also to be found in a day's work" - Mamie Sypert Burns
# "Books are good enough in their own way, but they are a mighty bloodless substitute for life." - Robert Louis Stevenson
# "Character is what you know you are, not what others think you have." - Marva Collins
# "Compromise makes a good umbrella but a poor roof; it is a temporary expedient." - James Russel Lowell, American editor (1819-1891)
# "Discretion is the salt, and fancy the sugar of life; the one preserves, the other sweetens it." - Bovee
# "Don't be afraid to take a big step. You can't cross a chasm in two small jumps." - David Lloyd George.
# "Dost thou love life? Then do not squander time, for that's the stuff life is made of." - Benjamin Franklin
# "Every heart that has beat strong and cheerfully has left a hopeful impulse behind it in the world, and bettered the tradition of mankind." - Robert Louis Stevenson
# "Everyone is born with genius, but most people only keep it a few minutes." - Edgard Varese
# "Example is not the main thing in influencing others. It is the only thing." - Albert Schweitzer
# "God wisely designed the human body so that we can neither pat our own backs nor kick ourselves too easily." - unknown
# "Goodness is the only investment that never fails." - Henry David Thoreau
# "Harmony seldom makes a headline." - Silas Bent, American writer (1882-1945)
# "He is happiest who hath power to gather wisdom from a flower." - Mary Howitt
# "He whose face gives no light shall never become a star." - William Blake, English poet and artist (1757-1827)
# "I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today." - William Allen White, American journalist (1868-1944)
# "I have made mistakes, but have never made the mistake of claiming I never made one." - James G. Bennet
# "I prefer the errors of enthusiasm to the indifference of wisdom." - Anatole France
# "I use not only all the brains I have, but all I can borrow." - Woodrow Wilson
# "I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way." - Carl Sandburg
# "If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself." - Dorothy Law Nolte.
# "If poetry comes not as naturally as the leaves to a tree, it better not come at all." - John Keats
# "If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail." - Abraham Maslow
# "If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well dance with it." - George Bernard Shaw
# "If you're strong enough, there are no precedents." - F. Scott Fitzgerald
# "Imagination, not invention, is the supreme master of art as of life." - Joseph Conrad, Polish-born author (1857-1924)
# "Imagination is more important than knowledge." - Albert Einstein
# "In spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart." - Anne Frank
# "Iron rusts from disuse, stagnant water loses its purity, and in cold weather becomes frozen, even so does inaction sap the vigors of the mind." - Leonardo Da Vinci
# "It is neither wealth nor splendor, but tranquillity and occupation, that gives happiness." - Thomas Jefferson
# "It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others." - John Andrew Holmes
# "It's not true that nice guys finish last. Nice guys are winners before the game even starts." - Addison Walker
# "Laughter is a tranquilizer with no side effects." - Anonymous
# "Let everyone sweep in front of his own door, and the whole world will be clean." - Göthe
# "Let us so endeavor to live, that when we come to die, even the undertaker will be sorry." - Mark Twain.
# "Man is only happy as he finds a work worth doing, and does it well." - E. Merrill Root
# "Most of the evils of life arise from man's being unable to sit still in a room." - Blaise Pascal
# "My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot." - Ashleigh Brilliant
# "Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do, and they will suprise you with their ingenuity." - General George S Patton, Jr.
# "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." - Eleanor Roosevelt
# "Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
# "Nothing is more intolerable than to have to admit to yourself your own errors." - Beethoven
# "Rainbows apologize for angry skies." - Sylvia A. Viorol
# "Real love stories never have endings." - Richard Bach
# "Remember: the average is as close to the bottom as it is to the top." - Anonymous
# "Smart is when you believe only half of what you hear. Brilliant is when you know which half to believe." - Orben's Current Comedy
# "Some people strengthen the society just by being the kind of people they are." - John W. Gardner
# "Some people want to achieve immortality through their works or their descendants. I prefer to achieve immortality by not dying." - Woody Allen.
# "The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient while nature cures the disease." - Voltaire
# "The coward regards himself as cautious; the miser, as thrifty." - Publilius Syrus
# "The greatness of a man can nearly always be measured by his willingness to be kind." - G. Young
# "The man who, in a fit of melancholy, kills himself today, would have wished to live had he waited a week." - Voltaire
# "The pyramids will not last a moment compared with the daisy." - D. H. Laurence
# "The world stands aside to let anyone pass who know where he is going." - David Starr Jordan
# "There is as much dignity in tilling a field as in writing a poem." - Booker T. Washington
# "There is nothing new under the sun, but there are lots of old things we don't know." - Ambrose Bierce
# "They always say that time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself." - Andy Warhol, American pop artist (1928-1987)
# "Use your health, even to the point of wearing it out. That is what it is for. Spend all you have before you die; and do not outlive yourself." - George Bernard Shaw
# "We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars." - Oscar Wilde
# "We are continually faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems." - John W. Gardner
# "We are what we pretend to be." - Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
# "What counts is not necessarily the size of the dog in the fight; it's the size of the fight in the dog." - Dwight D. Eisenhower
# "What you get is a living; what you give is a life." - Lilian Gish, American actress
# "When one has good health it is not serious to be ill." - Francis Blanche
# "When things go wrong, don't go with them." - Anonymous
# "When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut" - anonymous
# "When you're through changing, you're through." - Bruce Barton
# "Why not go out on a limb? Isn't that where the fruit is?" - Frank Scully
# "Seize the day;trust the morrow as little as possible." - Horace (65-8BC) Roman Poet
# "There is a certain relief in change, even though it may be from bad to worse." - Washington Irving (1783-1859) US Writer
# "When I grow up, I still want to be a director." - Steven Speilberg
Gambling / Winning / Losing
# Lady Godiva put everything she had on a horse.
# They laugh that win.
# It makes no difference whether you win or lose until you lose.
# Winning isn't everything, but then losing is nothing.
Jokes
# What was the best thing before sliced bread?
# Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience.
# Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
# He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
# How do you make a dog drink? Liquidize it!
# What do you do if you see a space man? Park in it, man!
# "Umm, trouble with grammar have I, yes?" - Yoda.
# If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
# What happened to the first 6 "ups"?
# Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
# You can't have everything; where would you put it?
# For people who like peace and quiet; a phoneless cord.
# A man once walked into a bar - and said 'Ouch!'
# I sink, therefore I swam.
# I'm against animal testing; either eat 'em or leave 'em alone!
# Never hit a guy with glasses; always use your fists!
# I wouldn't touch the imperial measuring system with a 3.048m pole.
# We should go metric every inch of the way.
# Staring competition: Medusa-18901, Opponents-0
# Owners of digital watches - your days are numbered!
Maths
# 82.8% of statistics are made up on the spot.
# 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
# If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
# The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
# They say there is divinity in odd numbers.
# A circle is a line of no depth running round a point forever.
# Infinity - where no-one can get, but where all lines meet.
# "There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics" - Disraeli
# Fifty percent of people have a below-average understanding of statistics.
# Maths and alcohol don't mix. Please don't drink and derive.
# Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate into their own language, and forthwith it is something entirely different.
# Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at maths.
# A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems
# A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there - Darwin
# I don't have a solution, but I admire the problem.
# According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
# Maths problems? Call 0800-[(10x)(ln(13e))]-[sin(xy)/2.362x]
# "As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality." - Albert Einstein
# "Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please." - Mark Twain
# "Give me a lever long enough, and a prop strong enough. I can single-handedly move the world." - Archimedes, Greek mathematician (287?-212 B.C)
# "I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem" - Ashleigh Brilliant
# "If I have seen farther than others, it is because I have stood on the shoulders of giants." - Sir Isaac Newton
# "It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of leading causes of statistics." - Fletcher Knebel
# "Logic is a system whereby one may go wrong with confidence." - Charles Kettering
# "No great advance has ever been made in science, politics, or religion, without controversy." - Lyman Beecher, American clergyman (1775-1863)
# "The mistake you make is in trying to figure it out." - Tennessee Williams
# "The scientist is a lover of truth for the very love of truth itself, wherever it may lead." - Luther Burbank, American horticulturist (1849-1926)
# "The shortest distance between two points is under construction" - Noelie Altito
# "The smallest fact is a window through which the infinite may be seen." - Aldous Huxley
# "There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact." - Mark Twain, American Writer (1835-1910)
# "Two and two continue to make four, in spite of the whine of the amateur for three, or the cry of the critic for five." - Jame McNeil Whistler
# "Up is, by definition, the direction which broadens horizons." - A. Cygni
# Pie are not square! Pie are round! Cornbread are square!
Memory
# Memory is a crazy woman who hoards coloured rags and throws away food.
# Many a man fails as an original thinker simply because his memory is too good.
# Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in the memory as the wish to forget it.
# Happiness? That's nothing more than health and a poor memory.
# It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
# Knowledge is not what the pupil remembers but what he cannot forget.
# Education is what survives when what has been learnt has been forgotten.
Money / Greed
# Money is like muck, not good except it be spread.
# The more goods a man has, the more he thinks he needs.
# The fly that sips treacle is lost in the sweets.
# He is well paid that is well satisfied.
# Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?
# Wealth is not his that has it, but his that enjoys it.
# Money won is twice as sweet as money earned.
# The love of money is the root of all virtue.
# Make money and the whole nation will conspire to call you a gentleman.
# Money can't buy happiness; it can, however, rent it.
# Money can't buy you friends, but you get a better class of enemy.
# If possible honesty, if not, somehow, make money.
# No bees, no honey; no work, no money.
# Greed is envy's eldest brother.
# Poor is the man in debt.
# Look after your pennies, and your pounds will look after themselves.
# A miser is hard to live with, but makes a fine ancestor.
# Happiness can't buy money.
# "A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain." - Mark Twain, American Writer (1835-1910)
# "A large income is the best recipe for happiness I ever heard of." - Jane Austin
# "A young man with good health and a poor appetite can save up money." - James Montgomery Bailey
# "Advertising is 85% confusion and 15% commission." - Fred Allen, American humorist (1894-1956)
# "All progress is based upon a universal innate desire of every organism to live beyond its means." - Samuel Butler
# "Beware of little expenses; a small leak will sink a great ship." - Benjamin Franklin
# "Death and taxes may always be with us, but death at least doesn't get any worse." - Los Angeles Times Syndicate
# "Give me the luxuries of life and I will willingly do without the necessities." - Frank Lloyd Wright
# "I believe that every right implies a responsibility; every opportunity, an obligation; every possession, a duty." - John D. Rockefeller
# "I'm opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position." - Mark Twain
# "If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principle difference between a dog and a man." - Mark Twain
# "If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments." - Earl Wilson
# "Isn't it strange? The same people who laugh at gypsy fortune-tellers take economists seriously." - anonymous
# "It is odd, is it not, that a person's worth to society by is measured by their wealth, when instead their wealth should be measured by their worth to society." - A. Cygni
# "Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess." - Oscar Wilde
# "Money is like an arm or leg: use it or lose it." - Henry Ford
# "Money may be the husk of many things, but not the kernel. It buys you food, but not appetite; medicine, but not health; acquaintances, but not friends; servants, but not loyalty; days of joy, but not peace or happiness." - Henrik Ibsen
# "Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs painting." - Billy Rose
# "Rich men without convictions are more dangerous in modern society than poor women without chastity." - George Bernard Shaw
# "So far, I haven't heard of anybody who wants to stop living on account of the cost." - Kin Hubbard
# "The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale." - Arthur C. Clarke
# "The budget should be balanced, the treasury refilled, public debt reduced, the arrogance of officialdom tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands curtailed, lest Rome become bankrupt." - Cicero, Roman statesman (106 B.C.-43 B.C.)
# "The difference between a rich man and a poor man is this: the former eats when he pleases, the latter when he can get it." - Sir Walter Raleigh
# "The future, according to some scientists, will be exactly like the past, only more expensive." - John Sladek
# "The meek shall inherit the earth, but not the mineral rights." - J. Paul Getty
# "The middle class is always a firm champion of equality when it concerns a class above it; but it is its inveterate foe when it concerns elevating a class below it." - Orestes A. Brownson
# "The trouble with the profit system has always been that it was highly unprofitable to most people." - E. B. White
# "The wisdom of man never yet contrived a system of taxation that operates with perfect equality." - Andrew Jackson
# "Try not to become a man of success, but rather, try to become a man of value." - Albert Einstein.
# "We have no more right to consume happiness without producing it that to consume wealth without producing it." - George Bernard Shaw.
# "What's a thousand dollars? mere chicken feed. A `poultry' matter." - Groucho Marx
# "When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: `whose?'" - Don Marquis
# "Wickedness is always easier than virtue; for it takes the short cut to everything." - Samuel Johnson
# "Work to become, not to acquire." - Confucius
# "You can't have everything. Where would you put it?" - Steven Wright
Patience
# Patience is the honest man's revenge.
# Patience is what you require when the fish are not hungry.
# Patience is a tree with sweet fruit, but bitter roots.
# Nature, time and patience are the three great physicians.
# Genius is a superior aptitude to patience.
# Beware the fury of a patient man.
# To climb steep hills requires slow pace at first.
# Those that with haste will make a mighty fire begin it with weak straws.
# Never say "Oops" always say "Ah, interesting"!
# "Nonchalance is the ability to remain down to earth when everything else is up in the air." - Earl Wilson
# "People who never get carried away should be." - Malcolm S. Forbes, American publisher.
# "We must interpret a bad temper as a sign of inferiority." - Alfred Adler, Father of individual psychology (1870-1937)
# "You can tell the size of a man by the size of the thing that makes him mad." - Adali Stevenson
# "Men count up the faults of those who keep them waiting." - French Proverb
# "Better three hours too soon than a minute too late." - William Shakespeare, The Merry Wives of Windsor
# "Better late than before anybody has invited you." - Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914) US Writer
# "Manners require time, as nothing is more vulgar than haste." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
# "Some people can stay longer in an hour than others can in a week." - William Dean Howells (1837-1920) US Author
Pessimism
# Be nice to people on your way up because you'll need them on your way down.
# If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
# Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.
# When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: `whose?'
# Where there's a will, there's an inheritance tax.
# Smile they said, for things could be worse. So I did, and they were!
# There's many a pessimist who got that way by financing an optimist.
# All sunshine makes a desert.
# If it isn't one thing, it's another, unless it's neither.
# If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
# Plan to be early, because you'll always end up late.
# Sometimes the road is less travelled for a reason.
# If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway!
# Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
# Everything takes longer than you think.
# Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
# Everyone is ignorant, only on different subjects.
# After all is said and done, more is said than done.
# If something can go wrong, it probably will.
# Optimism is the fear of fear.
# Pessimist: One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both.
# A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
# Give space to time, and time will fill space.
# Always borrow money from a pessimist; they don't expect to be paid back.
# A pessimist thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.
# A torch is a case for holding dead batteries.
# If Adam and Eve were alive today, they would probably sue the snake.
# There's many a slip 'twixt cup and lip.
# There's no such thing as a free lunch.
# Don't go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
# Murphy's Law of Thermodynamics: Things get worse under pressure!
# Just when you see the light at the end of the tunnel, the roof caves in!
# Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
# A committee is a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.
# Experience enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.
# Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repairing.
# The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
# Life is a razor; you are always in hot water or a scrape.
# Don't drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.
# If at first you don't succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried!
# True friends always stab you in the front.
# "`It can't happen here' is Number 1 on the list of famous last words." - David Crosby, rock singer and musician
# "A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking." - Arthur Block
# "A conference is just an admission that you want somebody to join you in your troubles." - Will Rogers
# "A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author." - G. K. Chesterton
# "A hospital is no place to be sick." - Samuel Goldwyn, immigrant turned famous movie producer
# "A lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it; it would be hell on earth." - George Bernard Shaw
# "A nation . . . is just a society for hating foreigners." - Olaf Stapledon
# "Advice is seldom welcome; and those who want it the most always like it the least." - Earl of Chesterfield
# "Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom." - Soren Kierkegaard, Dansish Philospher (1813-1855)
# "Any time you have influence, try ordering around someone else's dog." - The Cockle Bur
# "Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he is buying." - Fran Lebowitz
# "Be nice to people on your way up because you'll need them on your way down." - Wilson Mizner
# "Beyond each corner new directions lie in wait." - Stanislaw Lec
# "Clear writers assume, with a pessimism born of experience, that whatever isn't plainly stated the reader will invariably misconstrue." - John R. Trimble
# "Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking." - H. L. Mencken
# "Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there." - Will Rogers
# "Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow." - Mark Twain, American Writer (1835-1910)
# "Every age is fed on illusions, lest men should renounce life early and the human race come to an end." - Joseph Conrad
# "Every successful person has had failures, but repeated failure is no guarantee of eventual success" - anonymous
# "Exclusiveness is a characteristic of recent riches, high society, and the skunk." - O'Malley
# "Experience is the hardest kind of teacher. It gives you the test first, and the lesson afterward." - Anonymous
# "Farming looks easy when your plow is a pencil and you're a thousand miles from a cornfield." - Dwight D. Eisenhower
# "Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own." - Doug Larson
# "Figure it out. Work a lifetime to pay off a house. You finally own it and there's no one to live in it." - Arthur Miller, "Death of a Salesman"
# "Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he encounters needs pounding." - Abraham Kaplan
# "Good judgement comes from experience; and experience, well, that comes from bad judgement." - Anonymous
# "Half a man's life is devoted to what he calls improvements, yet the original had some quality which is lost in the process." - E. B. White, American author (1899-1985)
# "Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe." - H. G. Wells
# "I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead." - Samuel Goldwyn
# "I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability." - Oscar Wilde
# "I would rather be attacked than unnoticed. For the worst thing you can do to an author is to be silent as to his works." - Samuel Johnson
# "I wouldn't join any club that would have me as a member." - Groucho Marx
# "If, while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary qualifications, that field's employment is glutted." - Marguerite Emmons
# "If God had really intended men to fly, he'd make it easier to get to the airport." - George Winters
# "If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive." - Samuel Goldwyn
# "If I were a medical man, I should prescribe a holiday to any patient who considered his work important." - Bertrand Russell
# "If you want a place in the sun, you've got to expect a few blisters." - Dear Abby
# "Is there life before death?" - Belfast Graffito
# "It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it." - Steven Wright
# "It's not easy taking my problems one at a time when they refuse to get in line." - Ashleigh Brilliant
# "It's not the things we don't know that get us into trouble; it's the things we do know that aint so." - Will Rogers
# "Learning music by reading about it is like making love by mail." - Luciano Pavarotti
# "Life is an unbroken succession of false situations." - Thornton Wilder, American playwright (1897-1975)
# "Luck can't last a lifetime unless you die young." - Russell Banks
# "Men don't change. The only thing new in the world is the history you don't know." - President Harry S. Truman (1884-1972)
# "No one really knows enough to be a pessimist." - Norman Cousins
# "Nostalgia is the realization that things weren't as unbearable as they seemed at the time" - Anonymous.
# "Often it is fatal to live too long. " - Racine
# "Often you must turn your stylus to erase, if you hope to write anything worth a second reading." - Horace
# "One of the few rules of Evolution is that extreme specialization results in eventual extinction." - Hardin
# "Our existence is but a brief crack of light between two eternities of darkness." - Vladimir Nabokov
# "Over and over again mediocrity is promoted because real worth isn't to be found." - Kathleen Norris, American author (1880-1960)
# "People who feel well are sick people neglecting themselves." - Jules Romains
# "Pessimists have already begun to worry about what is going to replace automation." - John Tudor
# "Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance." - Confucius
# "Really, we create nothing. We merely plagiarize nature." - Jean Baitaillon
# "Rivers in the United States are so polluted that acid rain makes them cleaner." - Andrew Malcolm
# "Scripture teaches us to be as wise as serpents and as harmless as doves. All too often, [we] are as wise as doves and as harmless as serpents." - Moishe Rosen
# "Suicide is cheating the doctors out of a job." - Billings
# "Take care to get what you like, or you will be forced to like what you get." - George Bernard Shaw
# "The art of acting consists of keeping people from coughing." - Sir Ralph Richardson
# "The English certainly and fiercely pride themselves in never praising themselves." - Wyndham Lewis
# "The ladder of life is full of splinters, but they always prick hardest when you're sliding down." - William Brownell
# "The older I grow, the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom." - H. L. Mencken
# "The reason people blame things on previous generations is that there is only one other choice." - Doug Larson
# "The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be." - Paul Valéry
# "The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat." - Lily Tomlin
# "The two most important tools an architect has are the eraser in the drawing room and the sledge hammer on the construction site." - Frank Lloyd Wright
# "The world has achieved brilliance without conscience. Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants." - Omar N. Bradley, American general (1893-1981)
# "There is a capacity of virtue in us, and there is a capacity of vice to make your blood creep." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
# "There is no country and no people who can look forward to the age of leisure and abundance without dread." - John Maynard Keynes, English economist (1883-1946)
# "Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils." - Hector Berlioz
# "Time is what we want most, but alas, what we use worst." - William Penn
# "We don't look for truths, just excuses." - A. Cygni
# "Why is it that we rejoice at a wedding and cry at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved." - Mark Twain
# We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Philosophy
# A Conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
# A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
# Testing people by exams is like testing digestion by turd length!
# Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
# Philosophy is a good horse in the stable, but an arrant jade on a journey.
# Philosophy teaches us to bear with equanimity the misfortunes of others.
# There is nothing so absurd that some philosopher has not said it.
# Philosophy is not a theory but an activity.
# Leisure is the mother of philosophy.
# A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg.
# If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
# Do invisible cats drink evaporated milk?
# "I think not," said Descartes, and promptly disappeared.
# You must believe in free-will; there is no choice.
# "A large brain, like large government, may not be able to do simple things in a simple way." - Donald O. Hebb
# "A man can do what he wants, but not want what he wants." - Arthur Schoperhauer
# "A man who seeks truth and loves it must be reckoned precious to any human society." - Frederick the Great.
# "All men are equal; it is not birth, but virtue alone, that makes the difference." - Voltaire
# "All men naturally desire knowledge." - Aristotle, Greek philosopher (384-322)
# "Art is the lie that makes us realize the truth." - Pablo Picasso
# "Ask yourself whether you are happy, and you will cease to be so." - John Stewart Mill
# "Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think." - Ambrose Bierce
# "Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum: I think that I think, therefore I think that I am" - Ambrose Bierce
# "College isn't the place to go for ideas." - Hellen Keller
# "Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious." - Peter Ustinov
# "Common sense is instinct. Enough of it is Genius." - George Bernard Shaw
# "Creative minds always have been known to survive any kind of bad training." - Anna Freud
# "Cynicism is an unpleasant way of saying the truth." - Lillian Hellman
# "Every sentence that I utter must be understood not as an affirmation, but as a question." - Niels Bohr, Danish physicist (1885-1962)
# "Genius is an infinite capacity for taking pains." - Jane Hopkins
# "Genius is one per cent inspiration and ninety-nine per cent perspiration." - Thomas Alva Edison
# "He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder." - M. C. Escher
# "I am not sincere, even when I say I am not." - Jules Renard
# "I don't necessarily agree with everything I say." - Marshall McLuhan
# "I got a simple rule about everybody. If you don't treat me right, shame on you." - Louis Armstrong, American jazz musician (1900-1971)
# "I have long considered it one of god's greatest mercies that the future is hidden from us. If it were not, life would surely be unbearable." - Eugene Forsey
# "I may disagree with what you have to say, but I shall defend, to the death, your right to say it." - Voltaire, French writer and philospher (1694-1778)
# "In the province of the mind, what one believes to be true either is true or becomes true." - John Lilly
# "In these matters the only certainty is that nothing is certain." - Pliny the Elder
# "It is not necessary for the public to know whether I am joking or whether I am serious, just as it is not necessary for me to know it myself." - Salvador Dali
# "It is not necessary to understand things in order to argue about them." - Pierre Augustin Caron de Beaumarchais, French author-dramatist (1732-1799)
# "It would be as useless to perceive how things 'actually look' as it would be to watch the random dots on untuned television screens." - Marvin Minsky
# "Less than fifteen per cent of the people do any original thinking on any subject.... The greatest torture in the world for most people is to think." - Luther Burbank, American horticulturist (1849-1926)
# "Man is an infant, with the toys of a child, and delusions of adulthood." - A. Cygni, Philosopher
# "No man remains quite what he was when he recognizes himself." - Thomas Mann, German author (1875-1955)
# "Opinion says hot and cold, but the reality is atoms and emty space." - Democritus, Greek philosopher (460?-370? B.C.)
# "Seeing consists of the grasping of structural features rather than the indiscriminate recording of detail." - Rudolf Arnheim
# "Take time to deliberate; but when the time for action arrives, stop thinking and go in." - Andrew Jackson.
# "The alphabet will create forgetfulness in the learners' souls. They will trust the written characters and not remember themselves." - Socrates
# "The crowd will follow a leader who marches twenty steps in advance; but if he is a thousand steps in front of them, they do not see and do not follow him, and any literary freebooter who chooses may shoot him with impunity." - Georg Brandes, Danish literary critic (1842-1927)
# "The fewer the facts, the stronger the opinion." - Arnold H. Glascow
# "The great artist is the simplifier." - Henri Frédéric Amiel, Swiss poet, philosopher (1821-1881)
# "The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible." - Albert Einstein.
# "The most merciful thing in the world is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents." - H. P. Lovecraft
# "The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth." - Niels Bohr
# "There are trivial truths and the great truths. The opposite of a trivial truth is plainly false. The opposite of a great truth is also true." - Niels Bohr, Danish physicist (1885-1962)
# "There is only one difference between a madman and me. I am not mad." - Salvador Dali
# "This world is comedy to those that think, a tragedy to those that feel." - Horace Walpole
# "Three things are necessary for the salvation of man: to know what he ought to believe; to know what he ought to desire; and to know what he ought to do." - Thomas Aquinas, Italian theolgian (1255-1274)
# "To define a thing is to substitute the definition for the thing itself." - Georges Braque, French artist (1882-1963)
# "To generalize is to be an idiot." - William Blake, English poet, artist (1757-1827)
# "Truth above all, even when it upsets and overwhelms us." - Henri Frédéric Amiel, Swiss poet, philosopher (1821-1881)
# "We think in generalities, but we live in detail." - Alfred North Whitehead, British philospher (1861-1947)
# "Weep not that the world changes--did it keep a stable, changeless state, it were cause indeed to weep." - William Cullen Bryant, American poet and editor (1794-1878)
# "What governs men is fear of truth." - Henri Frédéric Amiel, Swiss poet, philosopher (1821-1881)
# "Why is this thus? What is the reason for this thusness?" - Artemus Ward
# "Wir sind gewöhnt daß Leute verhöhnen was sie nicht versthehen." (We are aware that people will scoff what they do not understand) - unknown
# "Wonder rather than doubt is the root of knowledge." - Abraham Joshua Heschel
# "Words can sometimes, in moments of grace, attain the quality of deeds." - Elie Wiesel
# Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
# Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
# Why are they called buildings when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
# If a tree falls in a forest and no-one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
# What do little birdies see when they are knocked unconscious?
Politics
# "Jaw, jaw is better than war, war." - Winston Churchill
# Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
# The less government we have the better.
# "A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer." - Robert Frost
# "Bureaucracy is a giant mechanism operated by pygmies." - Honoré de Balzac
# "Education makes people easy to lead, but difficult to drive; easy to govern, but impossible to enslave." - Henry Peter Brougham, Scottish statesman and historian (1778-1868)
# "Faith, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel." - Ambrose Bierce, American author (1842-1914)
# "Frequent punishments are always a sign of weakness or laziness on the part of a government." - Jean Jacques Rousseau
# "How can you expect to govern a country that has two hundred and forty-six kinds of cheese?" - Charles de Gaulle
# "I will answer anything I can with honor, but not about others." - John Brown, American abolitionist (1800-1859)
# "I'm very critical of the U.S., but get me outside the country and all of a sudden I can't bring myself to say one nasty thing about the U.S." - Saul Alinsky, American political activist (1902-1972)
# "If we make peaceful revolution impossible, we make violent revolution inevitable." - John F. Kennedy
# "If you cannot convince them, confuse them" - Harry S. Truman, U.S. President (1884-1972)
# "If you want to make enemies, try to change something." - President Woodrow Wilson (1856-1924)
# "In this world, nothing can be said to be certain except death and taxes." - Benjamin Franklin
# "Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere." - Martin Luther King, Jr.
# "It is easier to fight for principles than to live up to them." - Alfred Adler, Father of individual psychology (1870-1937)
# "It is people who live by the rules that are always hoping to get them changed." - Robert Harbison
# "It is perfectly true that the government is best which govern least. It is equally true that the government is best which provides most." - Walter Lippmann
# "Justice is incidental to law and order." - J. Edgar Hoover
# "Never could any increase of comfort or security be a sufficient good to be bought at the price of liberty." - Hilaire Belloc
# "No great scoundrel is ever uninteresting." - Murray Kempton
# "No man can be a patriot on an empty stomach." - William Cowper, English poet (1731-1800)
# "One thing the world needs is popular government at popular prices." - George Barker
# "Patriotism is a lively sense of collective responsibility. Nationalism is a silly cock crowing on his own dunghill." - Richard Aldington, English poet, novelist, critic (1892-1962)
# "People will sleep better not knowing how their sausage and politics are made." - Bismarck
# "Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build bridges even where there are no rivers." - Nikita Khrushchev
# "Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories." - Arthur C. Clarke
# "Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists of choosing between the disastrous and the unpalatable." - John Kenneth Galbraith
# "Poverty in a democracy is as much to be preferred to what is called prosperity under despots, as freedom is to slavery." - Democritus, Greek philosopher (460?-370? B.C.)
# "Poverty often deprives a man of all spirit and virtue. It is hard for an empty bag to stand upright." - Benjamin Franklin
# "Probably all laws are useless; for good men do not want laws at all, and bad men are made no better by them" - Demonax (c 150 A.D.)
# "Since a politician never believes what he says, he is surprised when others believe him." - Charles de Gaulle
# "The law is not an end in itself, nor does it provide ends. It is preeminently a means to serve what we think is right." - William J. Brennan, Jr., U.S. Supreme Court justice (1906-)
# "Those who voluntarily put power into the hands of a tyrant or an enemy, must not wonder if it be at last turned against themselves." - Aesop, Greek fabulist (620-560 B.C.)
# "To tyrants, indeed, and bad rulers, the progress of knowledge among the mass of mankind is a just object of terror; it is fatal to them and their designs." - Henry Peter Brougham, Scottish statesman and historian (1778-1868)
# "When a true genius appears in the world, you may know him by this sign; that the dunces are all in confederacy against him." - Jonathan Swift
# "When large numbers of men are unable to find work, unemployment results." - Calvin Coolidge
Procrastination
# Between saying and doing, many a pair of shoes is worn out.
# Procrastination is the thief of time.
# Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
# Always put off until tomorrow the things you shouldn't do at all.
# Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
# Tomorrow never comes.
# Plan for today as well as for tomorrow.
# Today is the yesterday you worried about tomorrow.
# To worry about tomorrow is to be unhappy today.
# If you have one foot in tomorrow and one foot in yesterday, you're bound to find yourself pissing on today.
# Don't wait for your ship to come; swim out to it.
# We learn geology the morning after the earthquake.
# "Basic research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing." - Wernher Von Braun.
# "I've been trying for some time to develop a life style that doesn't require my presence." - Gary Trudeau
# "If time be of all things most precious, wasting time must be the greatest prodigality, since lost time is never found again; and what we call time enough always proves little enough." - Benjamin Franklin
# "Not to be able to bear poverty is a shameful thing, but not to know how to chase it away by work is a more shameful thing yet." - Pericles
# "One disadvantage of having nothing to do is you can't stop and rest." - Franklin P. Jones
# "Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass under the trees on a summer's day, listening to the murmur of water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is by no means a waste of time" - Sir J. Lubbock
# "Resting on one's laurels makes for an uncomfortable bed, and only crushes the laurels." - A. Cygni, Philosopher
# "The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office." - Robert Frost
# "There's nothing to match curling up with a good book when there's a repair job to be done around the house." - Joe Ryan
# "Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night." - Edgar Allan Poe
# "Never put off till tomorrow what you can do today." - Proverb
# "Put off the evil hour as long as you can." - Proverb
# "One hour's sleep before midnight is worth two after." - Proverb
# "We must use time as a tool, not as a couch." - John F Kennedy (1917-1963) US Statesman
Proverbs
# A proverb is a short sentence based on a long experience.
# "The air of heaven is that which blows between a horse's ears" - Arabian proverb
# Misery acquaints a man with strange bedfellows.
# If you wish to know what a man is, place him in authority: Yugoslav proverb.
# Woolen clothing keeps the skin healthy: Venetian proverb
# Better a thousand enemies outside the house than one inside: Arabic Proverb
# A bit of fragrance always clings to the hand that gives you roses: Chinese proverb
# One kind word can warm three winter months: Japanese proverb
# A word of kindness is better than a fat pie: Russian proverb
# A good dog deserves a good bone: Proverb
# No matter how far you have gone on a wrong road, turn back - Turkish proverb
# Medicine can only cure curable diseases, and then not always - Chinese proverb
# Tell the truth and run - Yugoslav proverb
# If work were good for you, the rich would leave none for the poor - Haitian Proverb
# Water floats a ship. Water sinks a ship - Chinese proverb
# Every book must be chewed to get out its juice - Chinese Proverb
# A far friend is better than a stupid neighbour - Dutch Proverb
# Who drives fat oxen should himself be fat.
# Early and provident fear is the mother of safety.
# Poor men, when Yule is cold, must be content to sit by little fires.
# Welcome the coming, speed the going guest.
# "A friend is one who warns you." - Near East proverb
Religion
# The devil can cite scripture for his purpose.
# Faith: not *wanting* to know what is true.
# Which is it, is man one of God's blunders or is God one of man's?
# How can finite grasp infinity?
# I cannot believe in a God who wants to be praised all the time.
# Taoism: Shit Happens.
# Confucianism: Confucius say "Shit Happens".
# Buddhism: If shit happens, it is not really Shit.
# Zen Buddhism: What is the sound of Shit Happening?
# Hinduism: This Shit has Happened before.
# Islam: If Shit Happens it is the will of Allah.
# Protestantism: Let Shit Happen to someone else.
# Catholicism: If Shit Happens you deserve it.
# Judaism: Why does Shit always Happen to us?
# New Age: Love your Shit, let it Happen!
# Religion is the fashionable substitute for belief.
# The last Christian died on the cross.
# Science without religion is lame. Religion without science is blind.
# There is only one religion, though there are a hundred versions of it.
# Truth, in the matters of religion, is simply the opinion that has survived.
# In England there are sixty different religions and only one sauce.
# A man is a god in ruins.
# Beware of the man whose God is in the skies.
# I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability.
# When the gods choose to punish us, they merely answer our prayers.
# A blank page is God's way of showing you how hard it is to be God.
# If God is your partner, make your plans large.
# If God made un in His image, we have certainly returned the compliment.
# If triangles invented a god, they would make him three-sided.
# Dyslexic atheists don't believe in Dog!
# An atheist has no invisible means of support.
# Jesus saves sinners... and redeems them for VALUABLE PRIZES!
# "A man lives by believing in something, not by debating and arguing about many things." - Thomas Carlyle
# "Be not so bigoted to any custom as to worship it at the expense of Truth." - Johann Georg Von Zimmermann
# "Death meant little to me. It was the last joke in a series of bad jokes." - Charles Bukowski
# "Decay is inherent in all compounded things. Strive on with diligence." - Buddha's last words
# "Fanaticism consists of redoubling your efforts when you have forgotten your aim." - George Santayana
# "For my part, the longer I live the less I feel the need of any sort of theological belief, and the more I am content to let unseen powers go on their way with me and mine without question or distrust." - John Burroughs, American essayist (1837-1921)
# "Great Spirit, help me never to judge another until I have walked in his moccasins for two weeks." - Sioux Indian Prayer
# "He who is sorry for having sinned is almost innocent." - Seneca
# "Heaven is under our feet as well as over our heads." - Henry David Thoreau
# "I've never met a healthy person who worried much about his health or a good person who worried much about his soul." - Haldane
# "If we take science as our sole guide, if we accept and hold fast that alone which is verifiable, the old theology must go." - John Burroughs, American essayist (1837-1921)
# "If you give me six lines written by the most honest man, I will find something in them to hang him." - Cardinal Richelieu
# "It is always easier to believe than to deny. Our minds are naturally affirmative." - John Burroughs, American essayist (1837-1921)
# "It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of god." - Matthew 19:24
# "It is not what we do, but also what we do not do, for which we are accountable." - Moliere
# "It may be that our role on this planet is not to worship god but to create him." - Arthur C. Clarke
# "Man is a credulous animal and must believe something. In the absence of good grounds for belief, he will be satisfied with bad ones." - Bertrand Russel, British philosopher (1872-1970)
# "Maybe this world is another planet's hell." - Aldous Huxley
# "Miracles happen to those who beleive in them. Otherwise why does not the Virgin Mary appear to Lamaists, Mohammedans, or Hindus who have never heard of her." - Bernard Berenson, American art authority (1865-1959)
# "My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind." - Albert Einstein
# "Nothing is so easy as to deceive one's self; for what we wish, that we readily believe." - Demosthenes, Athenian orator and statesman (385?-322 B.C.)
# "Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have guided missiles and misguided men." - Martin Luther King, Jr.
# "Say what you will about the ten commandments; you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them." - H. L. Mencken
# "The bible shows the way to go to heaven, not the way the heavens go." - Galileo
# "The good Lord set definite limits on man's wisdom, but set no limits on his stupidity--and that's just not fair!" - Konrad Adenauer, Chancellor of Germany
# "The Kingdom of Heaven is not a place, but a state of mind." - John Burroughs, American essayist (1837-1921)
# "The religion of one seems madness unto another." - Thomas Browne, English physician, writer (1605-1682)
# "The universe is looking less and less like a great machine and more and more like a great thought." - Ortega y Gasset
# "The world holds two classes of men--intelligent men without religion, and religious men without intelligence" - Abu'l-Ala-Al-Ma'arri, Syrian Poet (973-1057)
# "The worst of madmen is a saint run mad." - Alexander Pope
# "There are thousands hacking at the branches of evil to one who is striking at the root." - Thoreau
# "There are two ways to slide easily through life: to believe everything or to doubt everything; both ways save us from thinking." - Alfred Korzybski
# "We didn't inherit the land from our fathers. We are borrowing it from our children." - Amish belief
# "We have grasped the mystery of the atom and rejected the Sermon on the Mount." - Omar N. Bradley, American general (1893-1981)
# "While forbidden fruit is said to taste sweeter, it usually spoils faster." - Abigail van Buren
# "Whoso diggeth a pit shall fall therein." - Paraphrasing the Book of Proverbs
# "Life's to short for chess." - Henry J Byron (1834-1884) English Dramatist
Silence / Tact
# On their own merits, modest men are dumb.
# A person who has a right to boast doesn't have to.
# A closed mouth gathers no foot.
# Don't give other people a piece of your mind unless you can afford it.
# So far the only successful substitute for brains is silence.
# Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
# Silence is golden when you can't think of a good answer.
# The beginning of wisdom is silence. The second step is listening.
# The most effective answer to an insult is silence.
# The cruellest lies are often told in silence.
# Sometimes you have to be silent to be heard.
# Most people know how to keep silent but few of us know when.
# Stand still and silently watch the world go by - and it will.
# Give every man thine ear, but few thy voice.
# Brevity is the soul of wit.
# Men of few words are the best men.
# The world knows nothing of its greatest men.
# People will believe anything if you whisper it.
# "A rumor without a leg to stand on will get around some other way." - John Tudor
# "All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism." - unknown
# "Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of some sense to know how to lie well." - Samuel Butler, English poet and satirist (1612-1680)
# "Applause is the spur of noble minds, the end and aim of weak ones." - C. C. Colton
# "Be careful of your thoughts; they may become words at any moment." - Iara Gassen
# "It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell" - Ambrose Bierce, American writer
# "It is always brave to say what everyone thinks." - Georges Duhamel, French author (1884-1966)
# "It is better to remain silent and thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt." - Anonymous
# "One way to prevent conversation from being boring is to say the wrong thing." - Frank Sheed
# "Perfection, then, is finally achieved, not when there is nothing left to add, but when there is nothing left to take away." - Antoine de St. Exupéry
# "Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret." - Ambrose Bierce
# "The highest happiness of man is to have probed what is knowable and quietly to revere what is unknowable."
# "To sin by silence when they should protest makes cowards out of men." - Abraham Lincoln
# "When angry, count ten before you speak; if very angry, a hundred." - Thomas Jefferson
# "Why doesn't the fellow who says, 'I'm no speech maker', let it go at that instead of giving a demonstration?" - Kin Hubbard
# "You can observe a lot just by watchin'." - Yogi Berra
# "Acting is the shy person's revenge on the world." - Sinead Cusack
# Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
# It's not the man that says the most that has the most to say, and it's not the man that has the most that gives the most away
War
# Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder!
# War's a game which, were their subjects wise, Kings would not play at.
# Never give a sword to anyone who can't dance.
# A hero is no braver than an ordinary man, but he is brave five minutes longer.
# If we must fall, let us fall like men.
# Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.
# The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.
# If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
# Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.
# Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
# If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.
# If the enemy is in range, so are you.
# Incoming fire has the right of way.
# Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.
# The easy way is always mined.
# Try to look unimportant, they may be out of ammo.
# Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
# A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
# Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.
# Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
# God is on the side not of the heavy battalions, but of the best shots.
# "We make war that we may live in peace." Aristotle
# The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war.
# A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.
# Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
# Self-defense is nature's eldest law.
# Those who live by the sword get shot by those that dont.
# "A blow with a word strikes deeper than a blow with a sword." - Robert Burton, English author and clergyman (1577-1640)
# "A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic." - Joseph Stalin
# That's fighting talk where I come from; luckily I don't live there any more!
# War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
Women, Love & Marriage
# Hanging and wiving goes by destiny.
# Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.
# You can drink an ugly girl pretty, but you can't drink a fat girl skinny.
# Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant.
# Every woman should marry--and no man.
# Women like quiet men because they think they are listening!
# Woman was God's second mistake.
# Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
# Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house.
# The only really happy folk are married women and single men.
# A man is as old as he's feeling; a woman as old as she looks.
# A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
# The gossip of two women will destroy two houses: Arabic proverb
# Americans like fat books and thin women.
# A man without a woman is like a neck without pain.
# Faint heart ne'er won fair lady.
# A bachelor's life is no life for a single man!
# A bachelor never makes the same mistake once.
# Love is the art of hearts and the heart of arts.
# Love sought is good, but given unsought is better.
# A person of genius should marry a person of character.
# If love is blind, lingerie makes great braille.
# Have an affair. It will break up the monogamy.
# "A beautiful woman is the hell of the soul, the purgatory of the purse, and the paradise of the eyes." - Fontenelle
# "A man is as good as he has to be, and a woman is as bad as she dares." - Elbert Hubbard
# "A woman, especially if she has the misfortune of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can." - Jane Austin
# "A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke." - Rudyard Kipling
# "A beautiful woman is the hell of the soul, the purgatory of the purse, and the paradise of the eyes." - Fontenelle
# "A man is as good as he has to be, and a woman is as bad as she dares." - Elbert Hubbard
# "A woman, especially if she has the misfortune of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can." - Jane Austin
# "A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke." - Rudyard Kipling
# "As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take the course he will. He will be sure to repent." - Socrates
# "Between two evils, I always like to take the one I've never tried before." - Mae West
# "Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand." - Benny Hill
# "I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception." - Groucho Marx
# "If you think there are no new frontiers, watch a boy ring the front doorbell on his first date." - Olin Miller
# "It was a blonde. A blonde to make a bishop kick a hole in a stained glass window." - Raymond Chandler, "Farewell, my lovely."
# "Love cures people; both the ones who give it, and the ones who receive it." - Dr. Karl Menninger
# "Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet." - Mae West.
# "Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly." - Voltaire, French writer and philospher (1694-1778)
# "Men like to pursue an elusive woman like a cake of wet soap - even men who hate baths." - Gelett Burgess
# "My notion of a wife at forty is that a man should be able to change her, like a bank note, for two twenties." - Douglas Jerrold
# "Serendipity is looking in a haystack for a needle and discovering the Farmer's Daughter." - Julius H. Comroe.
# "Sleep is conducive to beauty. Even velvet looks worn when it loses its nap." - Joan L. Zielin
# "The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think" - anonymous
# "The fickleness of the women I love is only equalled by the infernal constancy of women who love me." - George Bernard Shaw
# "The more the pleasures of the body fade away, the greater to me is the pleasure and charm of conversation." - Plato
# "The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother." - Reverend Hesburgh
# "Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London's society is full of women who have of their free choice remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
# "Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it within us or we will find it not." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
# "Too much of a good thing is wonderful." - Mae West.
# "When I'm good I'm very, very good, but when I'm bad I'm better." - Mae West
# "Woman is like a teabag; you can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water." - First Lady Nancy Reagan
# "Tenors get women by the score." - James Joyce (1882-1941) Irish Novelist
# "Buy old masters. They fetch a better price than old mistresses." - Lord Beaverbrook
# Never let a fool kiss you, and never let a kiss fool you